Friday Folly: What Would Jane Austen Advise?

A kerfuffle twixt a future mother-in-law and bride-to-be has readers taking sides. It seems that 60-year-old Carolyn Bourne found fault - well, quite a few faults - with her house guest (and future daughter-in-law). She decided to take up matters via email and share a few thoughts with her.

Bridezilla? or Cruella?

Heidi Withers, the bride-to-be in question, responded by sharing the email with her friends. Who shared the email with their friends. Who in turn shared, and shared, and shared, and shared until the email became viral.

To understand the situation more fully, keep in mind that Heidi is a diabetic. Here, then, is the email, such as I could find it in The Daily Mail. (I understand that it is not complete.) After reading it, curious minds want to know: Who was right and who was wrong? Or does an answer lie somewhere in-between?

What course of conduct would Jane Austen have advised? Let's just say that I believe in the adage: Let sleeping dogs lie, but if you must stir them, do so gently and do not leave a scent that can be followed.

Image @The Daily Mail

• The Father of the Bride Weighs In: Daily Mail

• Mother-in-law from hell sends harsh lesson in manners to 'uncouth' bride-to-be in email which becomes worldwide sensation:The Daily Mail

• The Mrs. Bourne Ultimatum: The Sun

• Mother-in-law's advice to son's 'uncouth' future bride goes viral: The Telegraph

How Would Jane Austen Expect One to Behave at a July 4th Picnic?

T'is a truth universally acknowledged that one must not lose sight of the rules of civil engagement during alfresco dining, when men's knobby knees and a lady's bare feet are as much on display as the refreshments, entertainments, and illuminations.

• An r.s.v.p. is obligatory, as is a token of a gift, if even of a bouquet of seasonal flowers from one's garden or a jar of preserves.

• To be accompanied by more individuals than were invited, and to encourage such behaviour, is tres outre. Pug, while loyal and adorable, should remain at home to guard the family estate.

• Upon entering the lawn, one must immediately seek out one's host and hostess, introducing everyone in the party, and depositing one's contribution to the delectations at the host's discretion. They have often already made plans of where your bags of Cheetohs, home- made salsa, or bowl of layered chopped salad should reposit.

• If one has promised to contribute to cubes of ice, the disposable cutlery and china, alcoholic libations, or that which today is known as an appetizer, one must be sure to be among the first of the guests to arrive.

• Make sure your carriage does not block those of the first arrivers, unless one hands the keys to the valet, who shall take on the responsibility of the safe-keeping of your vehicle.

• Should its normally placid and sunny temperament be influenced to the extreme by the collick or an excessive dislike of heat, noise, and bugs, consider leaving your beloved newborn heir in the hands of a nurse or governess whilst your are competing in lawn bowling or archery. The other guests, including your host and hostess, will be most grateful for your thoughtfulness.

• Indeed, one is not always obligated to show up. Should you be suffering from an undiagnosed ague, lice infestation, measles, mumps, or influenza, consider calling for the physick and crying off your engagement. Those who stand to be infected will be forever grateful.

• Be sure to mingle and communicate with all who have been invited. To encase oneself in a tight clique, as did Mr. Darcy and the sisters Bingley at the Meryton Assembly, is considered the height of arrogance and rudeness. Your host and hostess invited you to enjoy ALL of their companie!

• Pay particular attention to the old and frail and young and helpless, making sure that their needs are met and that they are seated safely out of the sun. Let Emma Woodhouse's attentions to her father be your guide in this matter.

• Try not to emulate Miss Bates at a gathering, and keep all excessive, nonsensical, and mind-numbingly boring chatter to a minimum.

• Do not, like Mrs. Elton, presume to take on the duties of hostess if the affair you are attending has been arranged by a host who has the misfortune of being unmarried. If you are the particular guest of this gentleman, and have been asked to oversee the duties of hostess for the duration of the event, then expect to be congratulated for your impending marriage.

• The volume of one's chatter must remain at a decibel level that is considered pleasing to others. Keep in mind the consequences of Mrs. Bennet's loud assertions at the Netherfield Ball, and how they affected her poor Jane.

• The same rules apply to the playing of music. Whilst Lady Gaga may be your musician of choice, your neighbors might not think her vocal skills quite as charming.

• Do not be passive, like Mrs. Allen at the Upper Assembly rooms in Bath, but arrange for your young protegee to be introduced to other young people with similar interests.

• Do not actively engage in spreading gossip. Whilst this conduct is rich fodder for novelists, such behavior reflects poorly on the person who passes it on.

• When the time for illuminations arrive, make sure that the children are safely out of harm's way and that all rules of safety are followed as fuses are lit and explosives are launched.

• At the end of the event, do offer to help the host and hostess remove all physical evidence of your gay event, leaving the property as pristine as you found it.

• Do not linger after other guests are gone, as did the Bennets at the Netherfield Ball, and beyond a time that is pleasing to your hosts.

Above all, do enjoy yourself excessively as you celebrate your country's birthday! - Vic

New Time Travel Book Out

Inquiring Readers,

What would it be like to meet Jane Austen and talk to her for even five minutes? Laurie Brown's new book, What Would Jane Austen Do?, is a time travel romance in which Eleanor Pottinger, a professional costume designer who has just been dumped by her fiancee, travels back in time 200 years to meet Jane Austen, foil a ghostly plot and thwart a Napoleonic spy, and fall in love with the charming Lord Shermont. Shades of Lost in Austen, Jane Austen Ruined My Life, and Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict, whose plot elements Laurie's novel echoes.

Laurie writes about her novel:


During my research, I discovered there is a topaz cross necklace in the Jane Austen’s House Museum at Chawton. Jane’s youngest brother Charles, a sailor, sent both his sisters topaz crosses from Spain. No one knows for sure if the necklace in the museum belonged to Jane or Cassandra. Jane Austen fictionalized that in Mansfield Park by having Fanny Price’s brother William, a naval midshipman, bring her an amber cross from Sicily. I don’t know why Jane Austen changed the facts around in her fiction, but when I used her necklace for a plot thread I respectfully followed her lead. I gave Eleanor Pottinger, my heroine in What Would Jane Austen Do? an amber cross necklace that she inherited from her grandmother. Family legend says the necklace once belonged to Jane Austen. When Eleanor refers to the necklace in the museum, she calls it an amber cross (even though in reality it is topaz). In the book she finds evidence to prove the necklace in the museum truly belonged to Jane Austen. Since it’s fiction, I thought it better to keep my ‘evidence’ totally separate and unlikely to be confused with the real thing. So fictional=amber, real=topaz. If anyone says anything about Jane Austen’s necklace being ‘wrong’ in the book, I can only say she started it."

What Would Jane Austen Do? is available at Sourcebooks now.

Coming in August: Another Marsha Altman book

The Plight of the Darcy Brothers by Marsha Altman. Once again, it falls to Mr. Darcy to prevent a dreadful scandal in the Bennet Family

Darcy and Elizabeth set of posthaste for the Continent in yet another attempt to clear one of the Bennet sister’s reputations (this time it’s Mary). But their madcap journey leads them to discover that the Darcy family has even deeper, darker secrets to hide… Meanwhile, back at Pemberley, the hapless Bingleys try to manage two unruly toddlers; Caroline Bingley’s husband has a wild encounter with King George himself; and the ever-dastardly George Wickham arrives, determined to seize the Darcy fortune once and for all.

Full of surprises, this lively Pride and Prejudice sequel, next after Marsha’s stunning debut with The Darcys & The Bingleys last Fall, plunges the Darcy and Bingleys into a most delightful adventure.